The Descent Of Manfred – The Supernatural Version
The girlfriend is mad with me again. My suspicions were first aroused when I came home and found my signed Spiderman T-Shirt cut into little pieces. She then set my favourite pair of Superman leisure pants on fire! This was distressing enough but my dismay was heightened when I realised I was still wearing them.
I’m in a public hospital with private burns. However depression has been replaced by bewilderment because as soon as night came all my injuries vanished – the medication must be extremely good (even though the nurse who applied it had surprisingly long teeth).
When I got home again I found that the girlfriend had left a note: understandably she is very upset over my predicament and is consoling herself with a date with the local rugby team – I am not sure if that is one with thirteen or fifteen players. Oh well tomorrow is another day.
This is very strange. For several days now there has been a hand outside the bedroom window resting on the sill. I first noticed it when I came home early from work last week. Unfortunately, I cannot see if there is an arm attached because of the climber on the wall. One good thing though, it has reminded me to cut the Virginia Creeper back.
I have seen those hands on the window sill again! This time they were three big hairy ones plus three hairy arms coming out of the climber. I immediately ran downstairs and looked up but only saw one pair of legs – this doesn’t add up.
I thought about opening the window and pulling him in but then I thought perhaps he wanted to be left alone. I was just wondering if he would mind if I asked him to clean the glass when I heard a crash – I can’t think what it could have been.
I have something odd to report: It only happens at night – at least so far – but while laying in bed trying to undo the rope the girlfriend habitually puts round my neck (I’m sure why come to think about it) I start to float. It was only a few inches at first but now I slowly rise up until I nestle against the ceiling. The girlfriend says I should go and see the doctor but I don’t like to bother him.
I’ve had a busy day. My girlfriend locked me in the cellar first thing in the morning and I thought I would do some tidying up when I was in there. I was a bit taken aback when I found, of all things, a coffin. It was relatively small and covered with what looked like felt tip scribbles: the sort of thing that children do in the margins of their school books. I thought I had better look inside and the occupant proved to be a young woman and strangely I thought she smiled – it must have been a trick of the light! I think the undertaker should have cleaned the bottom of her feet though as they were filthy!
We have got a pet cat. I found on the door step with what looked like a human hand in his mouth – they do make realistic looking toys these days. We decided to call him Cameron; which is admittedly a bit odd as I am a member of the Labour Party.
An embarrassing start to the day as I had to pull the postman out of the jaws of our new cat. I did apologise and promised to give back his mail bag when it had passed through him!
This is going to be difficult though! He refuses to use his cat tray and insists on going upstairs to our toilet. I know there will be trouble when the girlfriend finds out – especially as he never puts the seat down.
I think Cameron the cat has eaten someone else now. I heard a knock on the door, then a scream and when I looked out all I could see was a hat. I think it was the man who reads the electric meter. This is really terrible as estimated readings are never accurate.
I had another one of my floating episodes last night. This time it was a real nuisance! Just as I rose up and began to move towards the window the girlfriend opened it (she said the room was a bit stuffy). I would have travelled miles if I hadn’t collided with an electricity pylon in the next village. I then had to walk all the way home; I felt sorry for all the people who had lost their electricity supply though.
The girlfriend has heard scratching noises coming from the cellar. She sent me down to investigate even though I had just sat down for my dinner (this means the dog will get it again! – she so hates eating alone!). To my surprise the coffin was back and there was even a hand sticking out. I must admit I didn’t really like the blood red nail varnish – soft pink would have better matched her complexion (being an artist I notice things like that) but I considered the only proper thing to do was to hold it – I was a tiny bit surprised when it gently squeezed mine back.
Something odd to report today. I came home earlier than usual and discovered a man sat on the settee with my girlfriend. He said he was the vicar which I thought perfectly plausible although not really explaining why he didn’t have any clothes on. Now I come to think about it, nor did my girlfriend (although she often doesn’t have when I find her with strange men). I was about to enquire further when I saw a young woman at the window beckoning me to come outside.
When I got up this morning I found a note pinned to the cellar door. It appears to have come from the girl in the cellar; apparently her name is Mina and she wanted to know is she could have a television. I wrote back saying that the reception isn’t usually very good in coffins. I did relent in the end though and installed cable.
I came home early again and found the girlfriend with another man (I really must make an effort to come home later!). This time they were naked in our double bed (she said only to keep warm – I did say that perhaps she wouldn’t have got cold if she hadn’t taken all her clothes off – apparently she can’t help herself).
He said he was the gamekeeper which I thought a bit odd as the only game my girlfriend and I play is scrabble.
I had a bit of a shock went I when into our bedroom last night. The girlfriend was sat on the bed with her face and body covered with very coarse long hair and she had fangs and curved claws instead of nails. I wondered if it was something she ate. I know men have to be supportive of their partners but frankly she has looked better! After some tears she leant over and gave me a hug and a kiss – that was the most affectionate she has been for months.
Good news! The girlfriend was back to normal this morning and cheerfully kicked me in the crutch after her usual three hours in the bathroom getting ready to go out.
I started my day by meditating in the dustbin as usual – I always begin by meditating in the living room but tend to end up in the bin (I expect it is the girl friend tidying up). Before I had finished she crept up and introduced me to her new friend Jason; I said hello and he promptly knocked me over the head with a hammer – unfortunately it broke (I apologised and promised to get him a new one). He then tried a sledge hammer and that broke as well. He came back with a chainsaw and I was just beginning to think that this was going to get expensive when he suddenly screamed out and disappeared from sight – I haven’t a clue where he has gone. I went inside to tell the girlfriend about the Bermuda Triangle in our backyard and noticed the cellar door was wide open.
What a day! First the girlfriend is mad with me for losing her new friend (apparently she had only known him an hour) and then, when I was already up to my eyes cleaning up a trail of blood all the way down the cellar steps, the cat went and ate a policeman – luckily he was only a constable. In the end, after a lot of effort, I persuaded him to spit the young man out – strangely, policemen seem to get younger by the minute. I noticed that when he eventually emerged he was still writing his notes which I thought showed a real dedication to duty.
Apparently he was investigating reports of a girl in a skimpy nightdress wandering around other people’s garden in the dead of night – I immediately resolved to get Mina a dressing gown.
I was facing an extremely boring night as the girlfriend had tied me to the bed when she went out with members of the local rowing club – apparently they want her to lay in the boat. I was just wondering what would happen when the children’s programmes finished on the television when Mina wafted in. She quickly untied me and it was when she bent over me to gently kiss my forehead that I realised how extraordinarily beautiful she is. She then turned and floated out of the bedroom window. I hope she doesn’t go in the next garden but one as the occupants have said she is frightening the hedgehogs – although their son does play the drums in the shed.
I got woken up early by a drip coming through the ceiling. I reckon the gutter is blocked again. I can’t really complain to the landlord as I think our cat ate him – I found his shoes on our step one morning, which in itself wouldn’t have been that incriminating if his feet weren’t still in them. I was a trifle annoyed as I had only just paid the rent. I may have to get the cat a muzzle now – more expense!
I think he belongs to Mina anyway as she is the only one who can touch him. Unfortunately I cannot check as she doesn’t appear to speak although she does smile sweetly when I raise the coffin lid.
The landlord’s wife knocked on our door looking for her husband. Luckily the cat was downstairs with a door to door salesman (I hate it when he plays with his food) otherwise she may have found him. She had someone from an insurance company with her and looked remarkably cheerful – I did think this was a bit odd although it is rumoured she already has a new man. Apparently he is in the army as my girlfriend has been out with the entire regiment.
A bit of a disaster as the girlfriend began to change right in front of the lady next door – I don’t think it is anything I have said this time. I made a joke about catching a girl without her makeup on but no one laughed (our neighbour hasn’t had much of a sense of humour since I accidentally crashed through her new conservatory roof while trying to perfect my landing skills).
I did remember my manners and asked her in for a cup of tea but for some reason she declined and promptly ran down the path screaming. By then the hair from the girlfriend’s bosom reached her waist (I will have to suggest she puts it in pony tails – a couple of pretty bows and I don’t expect anyone will notice). Her nails were long and scimitar sharp – not much change there then – although I have to admit four inch long canines do seem a bit excessive. She started to howl uncontrollably but I consoled myself with the thought of a nice kiss and cuddle tonight – until the moon goes down at least.
The lady opposite us came over today to complain about Mina walking on water across their garden pond – I was tempted to say it would have been worse if she had parted it and road a chariot across but I thought had better not as her husband is on the council and they may put the council tax up!
The pond is almost as big as our entire garden with a marble statue of an ancient Greek wrestler stuck in the middle. I don’t think that is the reason Mina is attracted there although he doesn’t have any clothes on. I think the lady’s name is Smith; it can’t be Jones as that is who she is try to keep up with.
I have seen it all now! I drew back the curtains last night after the girlfriend tried to strangle me with the television cable (I must remember not to change channels when she is watching the adverts) and I got a real shock. Mina was walking down our back garden hand in hand with the stone statue from across the road. He was obviously enjoying himself – I know now why our neighbour only needs a small clothes line!
I had words with Mina over last night’s hand holding dalliance with a naked man – even if he was a statue. She still hasn’t spoken but made it known in her quaint Eighteenth Century handwriting that she wouldn’t hold his hand in future and then gave me a huge hug from within her coffin. I think the little minx is being devious but I let it rest.
Later on I had to take the cat to the vet for a check up; she very kindly gave him a thorough internal examination but luckily I managed to get her out again.
I float into the air most nights now; for some reason excluding new and full moons, when the vicar and his wife visit (it is a good thing she doesn’t grow hair on her face like the girlfriend as she would have a head start!) and even more extraordinary when the lady in the house behind ours changes the bed. I have noticed Mina never goes in her garden, possibly because of the wolf whistles from the plastic gnomes although I would love to know why she has a cauldron behind her shed.
Last night the girlfriend lassoed me as I began to float upwards and took me for a flight along the avenue; I shouted down at her that there were a lot of overhanging trees but she wouldn’t listen – oh well that is another Carnaby Street suit ruined.
The girlfriend has changed the locks again; I can’t believe it is because I double parked her car as I didn’t do as much damage to it as the one underneath! I was contemplating waiting until nightfall when I could fly up and get in the landing window when Mina opened a trapdoor where the outside lavatory once stood and ushered me inside. I found myself in what might have been an old sewer but was now completely full of coffins. I didn’t ask who was inside but I did shake some of the hands that were sticking out.
I had to sort out a huge rumpus in the night as Mina got involved in a fight with a marble statue (my guess is over a man); the statue won despite the fact that she didn’t have any arms. I am hoping this will serve as a lesson for Mina who is grounded for the rest of the week (although I know it is difficult grounding someone who can walk through walls if she puts her mind to it – as distinct from the girlfriend who just puts her fist through them). I was musing over the travails of having a two hundred and fifty year old late teen in the house when I noticed a wizened hand push through the floorboards and grasp hold of the table leg.
Two more hands have pushed through the floor during the day. Like the one last night they each immediately held onto a table leg. In a way I wished there was a fourth to make a set. Once attached they don’t seem to move much although the girlfriend has now covered them up with a table cloth. I suppose I had better lift the floorboards the weekend to see what else is down there – this is a bit annoying as I hate D.I.Y..
If life hadn’t got strange enough I was woken during the night by an eerie scream. I rushed downstairs to see if it was Mina but she was busy helping herself to the leftovers of the pizza delivery. I don’t think it was the cat as he hasn’t eaten anyone for ages. It never happened again so I went back to sleep on the ceiling.
The girlfriend had gone out – she never says where – and I planned to have a quiet evening in with Mina. I settled into my favourite chair (an electric one which the girlfriend got for my birthday) when there was loud crash immediately overhead; within seconds I was sucked up the chimney with considerable force – I wish I had bothered to get it cleaned now! I managed to grab hold of the redundant television aerial and struggled to my feet on the roof ridge. I noticed that the house was surrounded by a multitude of small figures, all dressed in grey and all with tears pouring from their empty eye sockets. The largest figure began to beckon me down when out of the blue a car screeched to a halt outside the front door, the girlfriend hurriedly got out and stormed inside.