Art Diary: Week Ending 18th May

12/05/2013

A totally domesticated day and my wife and I were with various members of the family the entire length of it.

13/05/2013

I had little time to paint today as I had to go out several times. I did however finish off both THE DANCE and HOMAGE TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GUITARS.

MANFRED WING: THE DANCE

MANFRED WING: HOMAGE TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GUITARS

14/05/2013

I was out all morning and in the afternoon I started (on almost a whim) to repaint some of the lines on one of the SELF PORTRAIT IN A PINK DRESS variations. I also started to add symbols to the descending blocks in one as well as additional detailing.

15/05/2013

My wife was taken ill during the night and I didn’t spend as much time in my studio as planned. I repainted the lines on a second SELF PORTRAIT IN A PINK DRESS painting plus some detailing – some of the detailing in this case was anarchic scumbling (for the want of a better word) using my paint rag. The only lines that are not redefined are the ones that will hold the words.

I also finished adding the symbols to the work I started yesterday.

16/05/2013

I added symbols and reinforced the lines on another SELF PORTRAIT IN A PINK DRESS variation and also repainted most of the lines on the remaining one.

17/05/2013

I had to go to town for June to get medicine etc. and when I got back only spent about an hour painting (adding symbols to one of the SELF PORTRAIT IN A PINK DRESS works) before going into my study to write. This hasn’t been a very good week for creating art works! However I did make an exceedingly tentative start on another story – this one has been washing around in my head for years.

18/05/2013

I spent the day in the garden although I did do a bit of writing very late in the day. I am so behind with my potting and a multitude of other gardening jobs that I may well spend all of next week in the garden (I often do during the week of the Chelsea Flow Shower) so I am signing off as an artist for a little while.

Weekly Diary

12/05/2013

I woke to see a partially shrouded figure reading to me from a book and then saw myself getting up holding onto a stained and ragged page. I was still holding hands with my imagination when the little people arrived, their ears tall enough to look in a first floor window. We visited the spotted cat (but not the tabby dog) with clean sheets of paper and a step ladder of plastic animals. Coming home as space conquistadors in a galactic wagon train we held onto each other with paper boy hands – as usual I missed the first edition. After a break standing among the footprints of unknown soldiers we all went out to eat at a point where supposedly rude and polite tongues meet. I called it the etiquette crossroads while the others called it a roundabout and knocked a coconut off the back of a seaside donkey.

13/05/2013

I got up before the young voice in an old body rang. We spoke the language of calendar dates, coming to rest like a roulette ball on Tuesday – we both lost our chips. The voice laughed as I said “the week was like a serpent eating its own tail”. After someone else came in carrying an Ancient Greek column I walked to town holding a rabbit: he was off white with a penchant for fox jokes, none of which I had heard. We parted company where the little boys had jumped the river in olden days – the youngest always falling in with a splash. I prefered to jump ship and surfaced again with a glass bottle in my top pocket; if I am lucky someone drops in coins and reseals the top. I spent some time as smoke coming out of a distant chimneys and then collected the rabbit as a waterfall inside a wine cask.

14/05/2013

I had a very early start, following June up the road carrying her empty bag (she carried the contents in her open hands). Combined we made a pattern on the road which I named the “convalescence of a wounded soldier”, before accidentally shooting myself in the foot. I caught a bus like a blind man pulling an ace from a deck of cards and visited the wise man in his recently thatched pyramid. He had a real snail for a hat and we talked in bubbles that rose as gem stones and came down as mice in wheels; spinning out tales and twisting clock hands into a rope strong enough to take both our weights. I went out in the garden to plant Jack and I hope he is tall enough to climb when I return next week. A man on the bus had a black and white film projected onto his shirt; the story was interrupted by his tie.

15/05/2013

June was unwell and had slept in an air raid shelter all night. I had heard the explosions but never saw the aircraft approach. As she was fallen like medieval masonry I stood over her like a gothic revival arch – a small portrait of Augustus Pugin residing in a secret drawing in my writing desk torso. A number of tourists drew up outside and we endured prescription picnics and then initials scratched along the frown lines of our temples. After the push pull train had had left the branch line station I went out into the garden to blow up green balloons and hide them among the red undergrowth. It was hidden in here that I saw a group of mythological characters; several of which laughed hysterically as my ears grew so large they decided to walk off the side of my head and go back indoors on their own.

16/05/2013

June was still poorly today, with a heavily bandaged appetite and a light house fob watch resting on her tummy. She spent most of the day slumped in a chair among a real make believe audience while the two dimensional performers illuminated the room. I stood on the gantry reading the names on the arrows flying overhead – some I recognised some I did not. June wanted to know how many of the cavalry had arrows in their hats as if this was a sign of virility; I lied and said none, indicating with my delta wing hands that they were still flying though the air – I truly hope that some arrows never land and that some hats are never besmirched by any form of contact. I had to go to the dentist: I offered to be a lion and he offered to put his head in my mouth even though I was worried I would choke.

17/05/2013

June got ready for work wearing a uniform she had borrowed from the friend we call Biggles (he has four arms like a First World War biplane) then baled out of the aircraft as the engines caught fire. I shielded my eyes as the Icarus dance troupe rehearsed a new routine: the stage was suspended several hundred feet above the audience so nothing could be seen although you could still hear the tapping of feet – I clapped at the end of the performance out of courtesy. I went to town inside a sachet which someone kindly tore open when I arrived there; I was reconstituted with water and came home as a kind of paste with a number of mundane objects sticking out – these are like the buoys used to tie up the ephemeral boats of dreams – apparently they can be recognised by the long shadows they cast.

18/05/2013

June was asleep on a skateboard as I crawled out of a jigsaw box and reassembled myself as best I could. The dog was wearing high heels, which I told her would be bad for her feet, and the largest of our three cats was sleeping on a bed of nails and reciting a strange mantra – I tried to repeat it myself but didn’t feel any immediate benefit – only managing to remove the moustache off Duchamp’s version of the Mona Lisa and start up our next door neighbours car, which promptly ran off down the road and into a river of molten lava which divides the War Memorial hospital from the rest of the town. While June jumped on a cheese sandwich to see if it would cry out I crept out into our garden wearing a frog mask with built in snorkel – a number of cactus were learning to swim.

Introduction To A Story: My Mythological Adventures Or Why My Best Friend Is An Ancient Greek Warrior Goddess

I usually have a lot of stories flitting about my head at any one time.  Most are extremely ephemeral but some I continue to mull over for ages.  This is the beginning of one; I want to start the beginning of another shortly.  I am the master of beginnings but never seem to have the time to take them any further!  Incidentally this is my second attempt to start this work – or is it the third!  Anyway I have already posted at least one earlier attempt.

I need lodgers – for future reference this statement should be filed with “I need food, water or oxygen”.

I am living in a large, if run down, house – actually you could replace run down with run over as this more correctly represents the state of it; I am seriously in arrears with the mortgage and I have just lost my job – mislaid to be honest as I hated it so much I finally never turned up! Sadly this is my approach to everything in life.

I haven’t got a partner, for reasons I probably wont go into just now although the paragraph immediately preceding this one offers a clue.

I chose this house as I liked the garden – singular lack of logic I know. I also wanted room for a studio. I am close to being a professional artist, read as in touching distance – an image springs to mind of God with outstretched arm touching the finger tips of his other hand as he couldn’t be bothered to reach over to Adam! (I’m not sure if I like that image although it sounds pretty familiar).

The house has three bedrooms, two easily large enough for double beds (in fact one could fit two; quite a selling point for people with a penchant for orgies – I haven’t I hasten to add!) and one much smaller – although typically this room has the best view. Downstairs the kitchen and dining room are crudely combined like a Doctor Moreau animal but there is a comparatively large living room. For some ill thought out reason I am actually using this room for my studio; I work huddled over my easel in one corner and the rest of the room is vacant – it is so large the whole of Stagecoach could have been filmed in it, including the chase scene – and yes I am glad they never shot the horses!

At the moment I sleep on an old mattress in my studio, partly because I can’t be bothered to go upstairs at night and partly because it is the only room I can afford to heat (the bathroom and toilet are downstairs – great now, possibly not later!). Both bedrooms do actually have double beds in them although one is really just a sofa bed and there is currently only one wardrobe – and that is minus its door as I painted on it, didn’t like the painting and had to hurriedly take it off (if you have an idea, you have to follow it even if you fall over the edge of a cliff in the process!).

Why don’t I bring the sofa bed downstairs? Have you tried carrying one on your own – apart from that I like the mattress – ditto the dog. I don’t think I have mentioned the dog. He is a black, brown and off white mongrel which I pretend is ninety percent Manchester Terrier and ten percent Jack Russell (I don’t know how the Jack Russell reached either) which I named Alexander The Great: he is called Alexander (or Alex) quite a lot – Great less frequently (although secretly I know he is).

Plan A is to convert the small bedroom into a bathroom, fit some kind of kitchen in a corner of the largest bedroom and rent out the entire floor – there isn’t a plan B (even though I haven’t got enough money to undertake plan A). Plan C was, in desperation, to put a notice asking for lodgers in the local shop window and see what happens. This story is about what happened. It is nothing like I expected, imagined, dreamt, might happen as the human brain is not able to conceive of anything this far out or other worldly strange – not even an artist with a reenactment of Stagecoach taking place in his living room!

Art Diary: Week Ending 11th May

05/05/2013

I bit of essential watering etc. in the garden and then the rest of the day was spent with the family. Barbecue and breaking toes playing with kids.

06/05/2013

As it was Bank Holiday Monday I spent almost all of my time in the garden with just the minimum of blogging done in the evening. Hopefully back to normal work tomorrow (hopefully I have got some energy too!).

07/05/2013

A late start but in the afternoon I finished painting the main coat on THE MASK. I am not sure if I like this work. All four of this current Manfred Wing series are based on early works since destroyed. I probably made the most amendments to this work – the original was in portrait format which impacts a lot on the composition – but probably still need to make another version.

08/05/2013

I repainted some of the lines and did a lot of tweaking and detailing on THE MASK. I still don’t like it though but I suspect the work in now finished.

THE MASK (MANFRED WING)

09/05/2013

Unbelievably late start – I really need to address this! – but once I finally got into my studio I repainted some of the lines on THE PICNIC and then added some extra detailing. I think this probably finishes the work.

THE PICNIC (MANFRED WING)

10/05/2013

I redefined some of the lines on THE DANCE; mainly the foreground ones to encourage a sense of perspective. This work still needs a bit of detailing but I decided to get on the computers earlier today so left off just after four. I did quite a bit of writing from then on.

THE DANCE (MANFRED WING) – work in progress

11/05/2013

I planned a day in the garden as my wife and I are out with the younger elements of the family tomorrow. However the weather was so inclement that after walking her to town for a weekend shop I decided to work in my studio during rest of the afternoon and then all being well garden on Monday. I repainted all the lines on HOMAGE TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GUITARS and then added some detailing; however more needs to be added and hopefully I will finish the work on Tuesday. I then moved onto the computers: writing and scanning sketch book drawings etc..

HOMAGE TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GUITARS (MANFRED WING) – work in progress

Weekly Diary

05/05/2013

June left the house early for her weekend work. I felt tired and took the imaginary lift rather than the stairs to our ground floor kitchen (lingerie is in the basement along with the carnivorous deck chairs). I walked the garden like Nelson walking the quarterdeck only stopping to give a French sniper my business card. When June came home earlier than usual we changed into stone flies that had recently emerged from their pupal cases and went out for a Venusian meal (this isn’t as hot as a Mercurial one but lasts much longer). I hurt by foot on the artificial turf of a bread roll and hobbled through a baked potato like a water buffalo in a rice paddy. June and I came home with salad days heads – although mine always has too much lettuce.

06/05/2013

People milling round the multicoloured pencil stuck in the ground had holiday faces pinned to their otherwise blank heads. I had a section of road pinned to mine but only crossed it to meet a chicken on the other side. The rest of the day I spent in the garden pulling still wet manuscripts from the ground and attempting to read them – I gave one to a resident frog who promptly turned it upside down and annotated it with water proof reading symbols. I turned away and noticed our neighbour had tortoise shell butterflies for ears, I fluttered my hand in the slight breeze. I went in the hibernating shed to get a replica of a Model T Ford and then photographed a bush who was still smoking a pipe after looking after me as a very young child. In gratitude I jumped into a hole in a solitaire board.

07/05/2013

I got up very early for a Tuesday, represented in virtual reality as half a grapefruit and caught the bus at the top of the road – represented in another virtual reality as a watermelon with little men as hair. I took my Medusa haversack (with its telephone cord hair) to the three dimensional pharaoh’s bungalow where I talked to voices immediately after they had left the mouths that had created them The Osiris cartoon figure gave me a screwdriver and I screwed an arm into the wall: when it was time to leave I leant over and shook it. I came home in an Eighteenth Century Invisible Man suit (this has considerably less frills than the Seventeenth Century version) with no one else on the bus except a little lady pretending to be an alpine meadow just after the first flush of flowers had faded.

08/05/2013

I got up as if I was sudden explosion in a tranquil lake; scattering a flock of small brown birds, new to science, as I did so. June had just left for work using electricity pylons as legs and wooden washing tongs as arms. I closed the bedroom window telekinetically and then had a bath without getting into the water; floating downstairs with a mangrove swamp turned orange by the rising sun as my hair style of the day. I wrote my life story on a stamp and then licked it – I planned to stick it to the hull of the next nuclear powered submarine than rose in the Arctic waters of my imagination but June had left the heating on. The delivery man coopied down like an early representation of an Iquanodon, getting up quickly when he realised his anatomy was wrong. I signed the sheet with wrong end of the pen.

09/05/2013

I had to go to town to buy teeth for the toothless mouth that had taken up residence at the bottom of our stairs. I had to stop off on the way to buy a bag to put autumn leaves in – in the autumn months I buy blackened glass to raise to a burning sun. I found a coat of cabbage leaves beneath the telescopic sights of the market square and wore it on the rain spilled way home; as I moved I pulled the tight fitting scenery from the intimate walls like designer wallpaper off a troupe of exotic dancers. I got in with a small animal balanced on my warm tongue; it was busy foraging for the words I had just spoken and didn’t notice the figure in the mirror made entirely of old tin cans. I bemoaned the passing of ancient containers and then wrote a requiem to miscellaneous pieces of used cling film.

10/05/2013

I sloughed a skin before rising like a theatre curtain; the actors weren’t quite ready but improvised on their makeshift stage, their moustaches hurriedly put on their chests instead of their faces. I then crawled into a prototype telephone for a hypothetical race of people with three ears; eerily I could hear myself talk to people on the other end of the reticulated python line. It took me forty five minutes to get any sort of answer; I envisaged it would take much longer to actually get the question. While this was happening a flotilla of small yachts moved ghost like down the road, picking up messages on their voluminous sails as they went. I lit my imaginary cigar with the light of a torch and then took the dog for a walk through other peoples houses.

11/05/2013

June wanted to cling to the hull of an old liner which had settled into our urban dry dock like a coat throat razor in an old cup of soap. We walked around the perimeter of a giant sand castle that rose in our beach road during the night. As the horizon held hands we found the town standing in a river washing its pre-industrial clothes. I came home as one hand of a glove while she wrapped herself in the other – we thus held onto each other at a distance, violating one of the last laws of physics and causing a v shaped formation of Canada geese to veer off course. While I thought about writing a concerto for ice cream van and orchestra the sky turned itself into a funnel and a cross between powder and liquid tumbled down turning small green plants into frowning faces at a window.

The Descent Of Manfred – Update: The Start Of the Supernatural Version

The Descent Of Manfred – The Supernatural Version

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The girlfriend is mad with me again. My suspicions were first aroused when I came home and found my signed Spiderman T-Shirt cut into little pieces. She then set my favourite pair of Superman leisure pants on fire! This was distressing enough but my dismay was heightened when I realised I was still wearing them.

I’m in a public hospital with private burns. However depression has been replaced by bewilderment because as soon as night came all my injuries vanished – the medication must be extremely good (even though the nurse who applied it had surprisingly long teeth).

When I got home again I found that the girlfriend had left a note: understandably she is very upset over my predicament and is consoling herself with a date with the local rugby team – I am not sure if that is one with thirteen or fifteen players. Oh well tomorrow is another day.

This is very strange. For several days now there has been a hand outside the bedroom window resting on the sill. I first noticed it when I came home early from work last week. Unfortunately, I cannot see if there is an arm attached because of the climber on the wall. One good thing though, it has reminded me to cut the Virginia Creeper back.

I have seen those hands on the window sill again! This time they were three big hairy ones plus three hairy arms coming out of the climber. I immediately ran downstairs and looked up but only saw one pair of legs – this doesn’t add up.

I thought about opening the window and pulling him in but then I thought perhaps he wanted to be left alone. I was just wondering if he would mind if I asked him to clean the glass when I heard a crash – I can’t think what it could have been.

I have something odd to report: It only happens at night – at least so far – but while laying in bed trying to undo the rope the girlfriend habitually puts round my neck (I’m sure why come to think about it) I start to float. It was only a few inches at first but now I slowly rise up until I nestle against the ceiling. The girlfriend says I should go and see the doctor but I don’t like to bother him.

I’ve had a busy day. My girlfriend locked me in the cellar first thing in the morning and I thought I would do some tidying up when I was in there. I was a bit taken aback when I found, of all things, a coffin. It was relatively small and covered with what looked like felt tip scribbles: the sort of thing that children do in the margins of their school books. I thought I had better look inside and the occupant proved to be a young woman and strangely I thought she smiled – it must have been a trick of the light! I think the undertaker should have cleaned the bottom of her feet though as they were filthy!

We have got a pet cat. I found on the door step with what looked like a human hand in his mouth – they do make realistic looking toys these days. We decided to call him Cameron; which is admittedly a bit odd as I am a member of the Labour Party.

An embarrassing start to the day as I had to pull the postman out of the jaws of our new cat. I did apologise and promised to give back his mail bag when it had passed through him!

This is going to be difficult though! He refuses to use his cat tray and insists on going upstairs to our toilet. I know there will be trouble when the girlfriend finds out – especially as he never puts the seat down.

I think Cameron the cat has eaten someone else now. I heard a knock on the door, then a scream and when I looked out all I could see was a hat. I think it was the man who reads the electric meter. This is really terrible as estimated readings are never accurate.

I had another one of my floating episodes last night. This time it was a real nuisance! Just as I rose up and began to move towards the window the girlfriend opened it (she said the room was a bit stuffy). I would have travelled miles if I hadn’t collided with an electricity pylon in the next village. I then had to walk all the way home; I felt sorry for all the people who had lost their electricity supply though.

The girlfriend has heard scratching noises coming from the cellar. She sent me down to investigate even though I had just sat down for my dinner (this means the dog will get it again! – she so hates eating alone!). To my surprise the coffin was back and there was even a hand sticking out. I must admit I didn’t really like the blood red nail varnish – soft pink would have better matched her complexion (being an artist I notice things like that) but I considered the only proper thing to do was to hold it – I was a tiny bit surprised when it gently squeezed mine back.

Something odd to report today. I came home earlier than usual and discovered a man sat on the settee with my girlfriend. He said he was the vicar which I thought perfectly plausible although not really explaining why he didn’t have any clothes on. Now I come to think about it, nor did my girlfriend (although she often doesn’t have when I find her with strange men). I was about to enquire further when I saw a young woman at the window beckoning me to come outside.

When I got up this morning I found a note pinned to the cellar door. It appears to have come from the girl in the cellar; apparently her name is Mina and she wanted to know is she could have a television. I wrote back saying that the reception isn’t usually very good in coffins. I did relent in the end though and installed cable.

I came home early again and found the girlfriend with another man (I really must make an effort to come home later!). This time they were naked in our double bed (she said only to keep warm – I did say that perhaps she wouldn’t have got cold if she hadn’t taken all her clothes off – apparently she can’t help herself).

He said he was the gamekeeper which I thought a bit odd as the only game my girlfriend and I play is scrabble.

I had a bit of a shock went I when into our bedroom last night. The girlfriend was sat on the bed with her face and body covered with very coarse long hair and she had fangs and curved claws instead of nails. I wondered if it was something she ate. I know men have to be supportive of their partners but frankly she has looked better! After some tears she leant over and gave me a hug and a kiss – that was the most affectionate she has been for months.

Good news! The girlfriend was back to normal this morning and cheerfully kicked me in the crutch after her usual three hours in the bathroom getting ready to go out.

I started my day by meditating in the dustbin as usual – I always begin by meditating in the living room but tend to end up in the bin (I expect it is the girl friend tidying up). Before I had finished she crept up and introduced me to her new friend Jason; I said hello and he promptly knocked me over the head with a hammer – unfortunately it broke (I apologised and promised to get him a new one). He then tried a sledge hammer and that broke as well. He came back with a chainsaw and I was just beginning to think that this was going to get expensive when he suddenly screamed out and disappeared from sight – I haven’t a clue where he has gone. I went inside to tell the girlfriend about the Bermuda Triangle in our backyard and noticed the cellar door was wide open.

What a day! First the girlfriend is mad with me for losing her new friend (apparently she had only known him an hour) and then, when I was already up to my eyes cleaning up a trail of blood all the way down the cellar steps, the cat went and ate a policeman – luckily he was only a constable. In the end, after a lot of effort, I persuaded him to spit the young man out – strangely, policemen seem to get younger by the minute. I noticed that when he eventually emerged he was still writing his notes which I thought showed a real dedication to duty.

Apparently he was investigating reports of a girl in a skimpy nightdress wandering around other people’s garden in the dead of night – I immediately resolved to get Mina a dressing gown.

I was facing an extremely boring night as the girlfriend had tied me to the bed when she went out with members of the local rowing club – apparently they want her to lay in the boat. I was just wondering what would happen when the children’s programmes finished on the television when Mina wafted in. She quickly untied me and it was when she bent over me to gently kiss my forehead that I realised how extraordinarily beautiful she is. She then turned and floated out of the bedroom window. I hope she doesn’t go in the next garden but one as the occupants have said she is frightening the hedgehogs – although their son does play the drums in the shed.

I got woken up early by a drip coming through the ceiling. I reckon the gutter is blocked again. I can’t really complain to the landlord as I think our cat ate him – I found his shoes on our step one morning, which in itself wouldn’t have been that incriminating if his feet weren’t still in them. I was a trifle annoyed as I had only just paid the rent. I may have to get the cat a muzzle now – more expense!

I think he belongs to Mina anyway as she is the only one who can touch him. Unfortunately I cannot check as she doesn’t appear to speak although she does smile sweetly when I raise the coffin lid.

The landlord’s wife knocked on our door looking for her husband. Luckily the cat was downstairs with a door to door salesman (I hate it when he plays with his food) otherwise she may have found him. She had someone from an insurance company with her and looked remarkably cheerful – I did think this was a bit odd although it is rumoured she already has a new man. Apparently he is in the army as my girlfriend has been out with the entire regiment.

A bit of a disaster as the girlfriend began to change right in front of the lady next door – I don’t think it is anything I have said this time. I made a joke about catching a girl without her makeup on but no one laughed (our neighbour hasn’t had much of a sense of humour since I accidentally crashed through her new conservatory roof while trying to perfect my landing skills).

I did remember my manners and asked her in for a cup of tea but for some reason she declined and promptly ran down the path screaming. By then the hair from the girlfriend’s bosom reached her waist (I will have to suggest she puts it in pony tails – a couple of pretty bows and I don’t expect anyone will notice). Her nails were long and scimitar sharp – not much change there then – although I have to admit four inch long canines do seem a bit excessive. She started to howl uncontrollably but I consoled myself with the thought of a nice kiss and cuddle tonight – until the moon goes down at least.

The lady opposite us came over today to complain about Mina walking on water across their garden pond – I was tempted to say it would have been worse if she had parted it and road a chariot across but I thought had better not as her husband is on the council and they may put the council tax up!

The pond is almost as big as our entire garden with a marble statue of an ancient Greek wrestler stuck in the middle. I don’t think that is the reason Mina is attracted there although he doesn’t have any clothes on. I think the lady’s name is Smith; it can’t be Jones as that is who she is try to keep up with.

I have seen it all now! I drew back the curtains last night after the girlfriend tried to strangle me with the television cable (I must remember not to change channels when she is watching the adverts) and I got a real shock. Mina was walking down our back garden hand in hand with the stone statue from across the road. He was obviously enjoying himself – I know now why our neighbour only needs a small clothes line!

I had words with Mina over last night’s hand holding dalliance with a naked man – even if he was a statue. She still hasn’t spoken but made it known in her quaint Eighteenth Century handwriting that she wouldn’t hold his hand in future and then gave me a huge hug from within her coffin. I think the little minx is being devious but I let it rest.

Later on I had to take the cat to the vet for a check up; she very kindly gave him a thorough internal examination but luckily I managed to get her out again.

I float into the air most nights now; for some reason excluding new and full moons, when the vicar and his wife visit (it is a good thing she doesn’t grow hair on her face like the girlfriend as she would have a head start!) and even more extraordinary when the lady in the house behind ours changes the bed. I have noticed Mina never goes in her garden, possibly because of the wolf whistles from the plastic gnomes although I would love to know why she has a cauldron behind her shed.

Last night the girlfriend lassoed me as I began to float upwards and took me for a flight along the avenue; I shouted down at her that there were a lot of overhanging trees but she wouldn’t listen – oh well that is another Carnaby Street suit ruined.

The girlfriend has changed the locks again; I can’t believe it is because I double parked her car as I didn’t do as much damage to it as the one underneath! I was contemplating waiting until nightfall when I could fly up and get in the landing window when Mina opened a trapdoor where the outside lavatory once stood and ushered me inside. I found myself in what might have been an old sewer but was now completely full of coffins. I didn’t ask who was inside but I did shake some of the hands that were sticking out.

I had to sort out a huge rumpus in the night as Mina got involved in a fight with a marble statue (my guess is over a man); the statue won despite the fact that she didn’t have any arms. I am hoping this will serve as a lesson for Mina who is grounded for the rest of the week (although I know it is difficult grounding someone who can walk through walls if she puts her mind to it – as distinct from the girlfriend who just puts her fist through them). I was musing over the travails of having a two hundred and fifty year old late teen in the house when I noticed a wizened hand push through the floorboards and grasp hold of the table leg.

Two more hands have pushed through the floor during the day. Like the one last night they each immediately held onto a table leg. In a way I wished there was a fourth to make a set. Once attached they don’t seem to move much although the girlfriend has now covered them up with a table cloth. I suppose I had better lift the floorboards the weekend to see what else is down there – this is a bit annoying as I hate D.I.Y..

If life hadn’t got strange enough I was woken during the night by an eerie scream. I rushed downstairs to see if it was Mina but she was busy helping herself to the leftovers of the pizza delivery. I don’t think it was the cat as he hasn’t eaten anyone for ages. It never happened again so I went back to sleep on the ceiling.

The girlfriend had gone out – she never says where – and I planned to have a quiet evening in with Mina. I settled into my favourite chair (an electric one which the girlfriend got for my birthday) when there was loud crash immediately overhead; within seconds I was sucked up the chimney with considerable force – I wish I had bothered to get it cleaned now! I managed to grab hold of the redundant television aerial and struggled to my feet on the roof ridge. I noticed that the house was surrounded by a multitude of small figures, all dressed in grey and all with tears pouring from their empty eye sockets. The largest figure began to beckon me down when out of the blue a car screeched to a halt outside the front door, the girlfriend hurriedly got out and stormed inside.

The Descent Of Manfred – Update: The Start Of The Everyday (Relatively Speaking!) Version

As you may know I have a number of other blogs, one of which is entitled The Descent Of Manfred and is a mix of surreal painting I create and exhibit under the name of Manfred Wing (or just Wing) and an evolving surreal story.  The story started off strange and satirical but developed into strange and supernatural.

I wasn’t happy with this mix of styles and I have separated the early entries into supernatural and just plain daft versions.  The blog will now continue along its out of this world path.  However for reference I am posting the two beginnings here:

The Descent Of Manfred – Simple Version

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Woke up with a Viking Helmet on my head – that must have been some party! I was just going to discover America before Columbus when my girlfriend told me to clean the rabbit out.

Not sure what to do with the 100 foot Viking longboat that appeared in the garden overnight. I have given it a lot of thought but I still think it will be too big for a patio container.

The girlfriend wants to know why I only laid half a lawn – because I only ordered half the turf doesn’t appear to be an adequate explanation. Nor will she accept that we only have to do half the mowing. With some reluctance I feel I might have to address this issue.

I solved the half a lawn problem by moving our neighbour’s fence. Unfortunately he was painting it at the time – However I am making good progress cleaning the imitation Western Red Cedar paint off my spectacles.

Turned the longboat into a very nice garden room by the way – its a pity about the oar holes in the roof though.

I knew it! The girlfriend is mad with me again. My suspicions were first aroused when I came home and found my signed Spiderman T-Shirt cut into little pieces. She then set my favourite pair of Smiley Face leisure pants on fire! This was distressing enough but my dismay was heightened when I realised I was still wearing them.

I’m in hospital after my leisure pants caught fire. I must admit I am feeling depressed. The white ointment isn’t working (even though it is arranged in a noughts and crosses pattern), nor are the cherries on cocktail sticks up my backside.

But why do the staff have to photograph everything!

Back home again. My girlfriend left a note: understandably she is very upset over my predicament and is consoling herself with a date with the local rugby team – I am not sure if that is one with thirteen or fifteen players. Oh well tomorrow is another day.

Went outside to compost my tea bag, looked up after hearing very strange noises and saw ten or eleven chimpanzees standing on our roof. They kept flicking something down onto my head – I am hoping it was just moss off the tiles. I phoned the council but they didn’t seem that interested.

Now we have antelope on the lawn; told the girlfriend it will save us having to mow it. I changed my mind when they started eating the washing on the line. I ran out waving my arms in the air but then fell into the hole where the garden pond will be – I still can’t understand why the girlfriend insisted it should be six foot deep.

This will teach me for not finishing a job once I have started it.

This is strange: while waiting in a six foot deep hole in the back garden for the girlfriend to hand down a ladder – she said she had to finish the hoovering first – I saw some eyes peering out from under the shed. After a while I noticed several more.

When she had finally arrived four or five hours later – she always does a thorough job of the hoovering – I had counted thirty one! I am not sure why there was an odd number.

Things are getting stranger! I have now seen pairs of peering eyes behind the settee, under our wardrobe and through the crack in the wall I made when doing my Samson impression. I think it must be some of my girlfriend’s family although she hasn’t mentioned they were staying.

More expense! Last week the girlfriend put her foot through the television screen while practising her line dancing and this week the washing machine breaks. I am vigorously denying any suggestions that I was the cause even though I was using it at the time to mix concrete for the crazy paving.

Boring day! I had to bury the washing machine in the morning and then I spent the entire afternoon hanging from the first floor bedroom windowsill. I was cleaning the glass when our neighbour borrowed the ladder – this did strike me at the time as a bit inconsiderate. Luckily my girlfriend came home and got me down by hitting my fingers with a lump hammer.

Back in hospital again! Looking on the positive side I plan to decorate my new crutches with pictures, along the lines of Trajan’s Column – making sure to leave a space at the bottom as my girlfriend wants to kick them from under me when she gets annoyed. I try to support her hobbies and interests.

This is very strange again. For several days now there has been a hand outside the bedroom window resting on the sill. I first noticed it when I came home early from work last week. Unfortunately, I cannot see if there is an arm attached because of the climber on the wall. One good thing though, it has reminded me to cut the Virginia Creeper back.

I’ve had a busy day. My girlfriend locked me in the cellar first thing in the morning and it took me all day to dig myself out. I have found out what makes those strange shuffling noises in the night though.

I have seen those hands on the window sill again! This time they were three big hairy ones plus three hairy arms coming out of the climber. I immediately ran downstairs and looked up but only saw one pair of legs – this doesn’t add up.

I thought about opening the window and pulling him in but then I thought perhaps he wanted to be left alone. I was just wondering if he would mind if I asked him to clean the glass when I heard a crash – I can’t think what it could have been.

Something odd to report today. I came home earlier than usual and discovered a man sat on the settee with my girlfriend. He said he was the vicar which I thought perfectly plausible although not really explaining why he didn’t have any clothes on. Now I come to think about it, nor did my girlfriend (although she often doesn’t have when I find her with strange men). I was about to enquire further when I saw a young woman at the window beckoning me to come outside.

I came home early again and found the girlfriend with another man (I really must make an effort to come home later!). This time they were naked in our double bed (she said only to keep warm – I did say that perhaps she wouldn’t have got cold if she hadn’t taken all her clothes off – apparently she can’t help herself).

He said he was the gamekeeper which I thought a bit odd as the only game my girlfriend and I play is scrabble.

A bit of excitement today as a young lad accidentally drove his car into our downstairs bathroom. He had to be rushed to hospital badly injured – he wasn’t hurt in the crash but unfortunately the girlfriend was in the bath at the time. I tried to make him feel better by saying she had got much more angry with me in the past but I don’t think he was fully conscious.