Weekly Diary


I had my breakfast in The Albert Hall playing my kitchen utensil orchestra to an audience of thousands; after this I walked the dog along The Great Wall of China. I finished off my cleaning of the art stables (I dusted the sun while the Postman was wearing a lampshade) and got ready to go out. We all ate food within the air conditioning system of a flying palace – I became a princess while the real one rode off on a kitten. Coming back within a walking cloud, mouths and staring eyes flew like horseflies, we sat down on music instead of chairs.


June left a message in a silk cocoon before riding a whale to work – I was tempted to read the cocoon and make a dress out of the message but I do not think like that anymore. I went to to city in a shed to pick up several versions of tomorrow (what I really wanted was several versions of yesterday) and then went to town in search of a Hawaiian dancer. I planned to wrap myself around a wildlife pond like a moustache which suddenly came to life on an old man’s face but danced barefoot instead. Snakes can often be found under sheets of metal.


I had to pull myself along through head high pampas grass before I reached the place where asteroid debris drops into dog bowls. I stuck cabbage leaves behind my ears and walked home through a purple banana plantation. My studio was stuck on a U-boat conning tower and I plucked the eyebrows of my action man doll as we slowly sank – outside dumper truckers were moving earth from one chess square to another – calling out checkmate when the soil touched the top of an Easter Island head (why did they have such big ears?).


I sat on a perch quietly whistling to myself until summoned to the dinosaur pool where I blew up balloons and found a message that only the old cat could interpret. I came home to inscribe my name on fossilised tree trunks before having to go back to the Jurassic playing fields for a game of water rounders. Meanwhile June sat on a tropical beach fastening bath caps to wooden cats, each with a different expression on its face; I finally emerged from the waves wearing a classic white bikini – we then followed our footsteps to the backdoor.


I left the length of pipe my wife and I have been living in very early, a long time before a bead of sweat ran from one end to the other and then dripped off, scattering the animals on the plains of the Serengeti as it did so. I shot along the conducting cable to a relay point in the remote countryside, stopping there to save common lizards from small plastic soldiers and pull a giant hair net of a giant head. I waved goodbye to a cloth cap and then spent the middle of the day sitting crossed legged on a wooden Foreign Legion fort in a Tidworth sandpit.


A friend found the remains of the ark after it had hit an iceberg in the North Atlantic so we spent the day making our own ocean to float it on. I dug out the hull of a ship and put flowers at the bow, he made a working model of the alimentary system of a blue whale. We had lunch sitting on cheese and Marmite sandwiches dipping our toes in the water and then stood up to our necks in front of a microphone, he sang a song and then I followed with blue birds flying before my spectacles. I crawled in a floating tin can as he went off to find a lorry.


I found a man trapped in a small metal box, I couldn’t get him out at first as I had to wait for my breakfast to arrive in a police car. Once free he ran off with a garland of worms; I watched him go as I moved a pile of dirt from one place to another – I imagined the piles as elephant dung and floated into the air holding cosmic dust in a paper bag. June came back (with a waterfall stole) before I could discover the origins of the universe but some time after the small man shot by riding a diplodocus. I was amazed by the size of the dinosaur’s wedding ring.


About Gerald Shepherd

Gerald Shepherd is a painter, graphic artist, sculptor, digital/multimedia artist, photographer, writer, curator and arts administrator. He has also been involved with science art, performance art, conceptual art, installations and environments (as well as peripheral creative pursuits such as garden design).
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