My Wife And Me – Amended Story (And Pure Fantasy!)

This is the second set of rewritten blog entries.  It has no resemblance to real life I hasten to add!  For obvious reasons I probably wont continue with this series!

I have deleted a large number of the, what was originally daily, entries as they were decidedly naff!

 

Woke up with a Viking Helmet on my head – that must have been some party! I was just going to discover America before Columbus when my wife told me to clean the rabbit out.

Not sure what to do with the 100 foot Viking longboat that appeared in the garden overnight. I have given it a lot of thought but I still think it will be too big for a patio container.

My wife wants to know why I only laid half a lawn – because I only ordered half the turf doesn’t appear to be an adequate explanation. Nor will she accept that we only have to do half the mowing. With some reluctance I feel I might have to address this issue.

I solved the half a lawn problem by moving our neighbour’s fence. Unfortunately he was painting it at the time – However I am making good progress cleaning the imitation Western Red Cedar paint off my spectacles.

Turned the longboat into a very nice garden room by the way – its a pity about the oar holes in the roof though.

Went outside to compost my tea bag, looked up after hearing very strange noises and saw ten or eleven chimpanzees standing on our roof. They kept flicking something down onto my head – I am hoping it was just moss off the tiles. I phoned the council but they didn’t seem that interested.

Now we have antelope on the lawn; I told my wife it will save us having to mow it. I changed my mind when they started eating the washing on the line. I ran out waving my arms in the air but then fell into the hole where the garden pond will be – I still can’t understand why my wife insisted it should be six foot deep.

This will teach me for not finishing a job once I have started it.

This is strange: while waiting in a six foot deep hole in the back garden for my wife to hand down a ladder – she said she had to finish the hoovering first – I saw some eyes peering out from under the shed. After a while I noticed several more.

When she had finally arrived, four or five hours later – she always does a thorough job of the hoovering – I had counted thirty one! I am not sure why there was an odd number.

Things are getting stranger! I have now seen pairs of peering eyes behind the settee, under our wardrobe and through the crack in the wall I made when doing my Samson impression. I think it must be some of my wife’s family although she hasn’t mentioned they were staying.

More expense! Last week my wife put her foot through the television screen while practising her line dancing and this week the washing machine breaks. I am vigorously denying any suggestions that I was the cause even though I was using it at the time to mix concrete for the crazy paving.

Boring day! I had to bury the washing machine in the morning and then I spent the entire afternoon hanging from the first floor bedroom windowsill. I was cleaning the glass when our neighbour borrowed the ladder – this did strike me at the time as a bit inconsiderate. Luckily my wife came home and got me down by hitting my fingers with a lump hammer

This is very strange. For several days now there has been a hand outside the bedroom window resting on the sill. I first noticed it when I came home early from work last week. Unfortunately, I cannot see if there is an arm attached because of the climber on the wall. One good thing though, it has reminded me to cut the Virginia Creeper back.

I’ve had a busy day. My wife accidentally (I think!) locked me in the cellar first thing in the morning and it took me all day to dig myself out. I have found out what makes those strange shuffling noises in the night though.

I have seen those hands on the window sill again! This time they were three big hairy ones plus three hairy arms coming out of the climber. I immediately ran downstairs and looked up but only saw one pair of legs – this doesn’t add up.

I thought about opening the window and pulling him in but then I thought perhaps he wanted to be left alone. I was just wondering if he would mind if I asked him to clean the glass when I heard a crash – I can’t think what it could have been.

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About Gerald Shepherd

Gerald Shepherd is a painter, graphic artist, sculptor, digital/multimedia artist, photographer, writer, curator and arts administrator. He has also been involved with science art, performance art, conceptual art, installations and environments (as well as peripheral creative pursuits such as garden design).
This entry was posted in prose, Uncategorized, Writing and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to My Wife And Me – Amended Story (And Pure Fantasy!)

  1. Yvonne says:

    you should publish your stories in an Ebook ! imaginative & amusing !

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